this morning she woke
with the world in her arms.
it was covered in blood and
smelled of regret.
with soft eyes she cradled the world
whispering a gentle apology
for the fraction of a fault
she carried
for such a mess.
then a small sparrow
perched next to her
on the rusty swing set
-fallen years ago to disarray-
and sang his song with ease
and the peaceful melody
helped soothe the broken world
as she bathed it
in the bird bath, and reconciliation, and peace
___
as yet another door slammed in her face
she decided she no longer
believed in fortune cookies
___
and she wondered to herself
how is such tethered brokenness
possible?
probable?
when just a few moments ago
they were trinitarian women
on a makeshift sofa
giggling about future loves
and sewing sequins
on the back of a halloween cape
___
We watched the father and son
apprehensively wandering into the trees
muttering something about a bear
and she turned to me and said,
'that's the ten-o-clock news
waiting to happen'
___
didn't grasp
buddhist detachment
until she gave her cell phone
to a rambunctious six year old
___
time spent, slowing
lying down listening
to the story of three bears
whose lives fit golden curls
too big, too small
just
right around the corner
when you least expect it
they tell me.
well then...
if you are so wise...
teach me how to 'least expect it'
___
Succeeds
at being gangsta'
...as long as no one
else is in the room.
___
ingesting inordinate amounts of flavored iced tea
hoping that the boy
with the eyes
with the lights behind them
will come back
so i
can say
hello.
___
i strayed from who i most assuredly am.
you are just plain scared.
how simple it all really is.
___
how do i look? she asked
just pedantic. he responded
-silence-
what does that mean?
-silence-
he smiled and tried to contain a laugh
frustrated she asked, why wont you tell me?
...because...
...i don't know what it means.
and both faces gave way to shared smiles.
___
sun setting
freezing toes
anticipation
caffeine
spanish chatter
spacious air.
such a perturbed and lazy moment.
___
sitting in the discomfort
of lives part- - -ed
surrounded
with yellow flowers
and white collared shirts.
while answers
slip
t h r o u g h
her chapped hands
into the void
she will choose
to enter in order
to retrieve
t
h
e
m
. . .
___
laughed when she
realized
she was aggravated because
she knew
time
would settle her anger
___
1.
angry that life's passion
was dragging so far behind
vindictive paperwork
2.
and he offered her a summation:
'i never know what to do with you
and sometimes you dont know what to do with me
and we like each other a lot
and sometimes we have incredibly awkward moments
of silence
and sometimes,
it takes a long time to find your shoes'
and she was content
with reality framed
in such a simple way
3.
cringing
every time
fear gets the better
of her
___
1.
the man in the uniform said,
"you all are really brave
to go over there"...
and she responded,
"not nearly as brave as the people
that live there...and they don't have
a choice"
he looked at her, paused, and responded
"i guess you're right".
and i knew she was.
2.
and you strummed the guitar
until my eyes closed.
and you held my hands
until the chatter in my head settled
into sleep.
and i knew these were some of my
favorite
moments
yet.
___
1.
target practice with the nerf-gun,
planning to outfox the fox...
i hope she stumbles upon success
2.
and they couldn't help
but roll their eyes
and let smiles surface
as they both knew
the words of the gentle holy man
were solely for them.
3.
she wrote, 'i've officially lost count
of the number of times
i wish my better judgement
could veto my heart's whim'.
and 'amen sister'
was all i could think
to offer
___
He wrote,
"maybe you should work on that...or just leave it and let it be
either way I hope it doesn't make you cry
are you not sure if not crying about it has been a good thing? hmmm interesting thought
what would it look like if you relaxed about whatever it is
if you loosened, let go, and let yourself be wherever you need to be
would you cry or not... throw something or feel liberated?"
She responded,
"hm. i have to
let
it
go
i said., no. i knew.
its whats left behind
that i have to deal with
whether i like it or not
last time, i had to let it go too.
and i cried, and cried
while a friend held me
i don't know if there are tears this time...
or what i am supposed to do now..."
He responded,
"what to do
I fear I can't help you with an answer to that
I do however, know that somehow there are always more tears
I also know
if you need to cry and cry
there are a number of people around you who would gladly hold you
and probably cry with you
so many things that we leave behind
think that we leave behind but we carry them with us
like a suitcase full of barbells that we can barely hold on to with both our two hands wrapped around it
it's always in front of us
the first thing people see along with half our face, peeking from behind the top edge
the faint sound of a "hello", a strained forced whisper as we try not to betray with our voice how heavy our bag is
we can barely see this new person
and this new person can barely see us
sometimes the bag is so big
and so heavy
maybe it's a bag I can help you carry
or help you toss
or maybe
I should just move out of the way and let you keep walking
momentum can help to carry a big bag sometimes
either way
i've seen glimpses of your face over the top of that bag
and it's a wonderful face
so whatever you might need let me know
and i'll do my best to acquiesce to your request"
___
1.
And he bought me a hat,
like the one Gene Kelly had in
Singing in the Rain.
And I wore it as we strolled
to nowhere.
2.
And then we stopped
and I couldn't help
but look for that key piece I could trust
in those two
honest looking eyes
I am still not sure what it is I found.
___
much too giddy for her own good.
___
1.
deciding she would let it be
instead of trying to understand it prematurally
like she normally did.
she hoped that would bring her freedom
or at least a worn out umbrella,
which too would suffice
2.
and as we walked, you gave voices to all the deer.
i never knew they had conversations so similar to the ones
families have during christmas dinner
___
eight days ago,
we decorated the dying man's room
with red and green construction paper chains.
i spied them again yesterday,
the day after he died.
and i finally knew what
annie dillard meant by,
'there is no one
but us'
___
1.
she had been down this road before
and she couldn't help but remember
the pain it had left her with
the last time
and so she wondered if it was worth it.
and she wondered if
it was true
that she should despair
because she really can't control anything
or,
if despair is deadly
simply because it is based
only on what has happened
in the past
2.
and her 15 month old face
crinkled up
every time she
brought the lime to her lips
and they all couldn't help but laugh
at this tangy pain
apparently so worth the agony
___
1.
and he told her that he thought
Jesus was like a spiritual genius
just like
Mozart was a musical genius
and just like
Einstein was a scientific genius
and he wondered out loud
if that might be heretical
and though she wasn't sure it was,
she knew that if he was accused
his smile
could obliviously redeem him
2.
and she said that something real happens
when you enter a war zone
and do nothing
but sit
in stillness
and contemplate peace
and for the rest of the evening
i couldn't calm
my fidgety heart
3.
don't tell my mother,
she said
if she knew what i was doing
her worries would nag her
all night long
and she was caught off guard
by the role reversal
that she thought
her center
then required of her
___
1.
she told me she could not
finish her lunch plate
because her tooth was hurting
well, i said, i guess that means
you can't eat your dulces either
and i could see that she had not
quite thought through
the ramifications of
her excuses
2.
they decided they would open
a unicorn shop
they would call it something like
'louie and friend strange animal exhibit'
they would first have to
learn the spanish word
for unicorn though
or else the displays
would say the spanish equivalent
of
'horse' or 'over-sized bunny exhibit'
and that would just be confusing
3.
i told him i skipped around the room
and he told me he was smiling in my general direction
and i wondered if he had any idea
where i was
___
1.
and she could not put the words
of her soul
on paper
like they wanted her to
what nonsense
she thought to herself
that letters must provide
such an intimate window
into her sectioned heart
2.
and he was in africa.
better this way, she thought
his energy would be stifled
by the border
on which she lived.
and she guessed it didn't
matter much anyway.
after all,
he was living his own
annunciation.
3.
and she noticed
Jesus
peaking through the wall
between the orange sunset
and the purple cloth
and she wondered
if anyone else
was paying him
any attention.
____
and she inadvertently made the sign of the cross
after consuming the bread
from the gold plate
i guess old habits
die hard
she thought
and she could imagine
God sitting there in heaven
chuckling to Herself
___
she never realized
a dollop
of whipped cream
could be so amusing,
especially when he launched it
high in the air
and tried to catch it with his mouth.
the splat it made on his left eyebrow
instantly ignited
contagious
bursts of laughter
___
She told me that she
remembered what it was like
to be in love
at 22
and then her eyes glazed over
as she remembered the innocence
of realizations then unknown
and my own eyes
couldn't help but mourn
the loss of her naivete
and at the same time
selfishly thank the universe
that i had just turned
22
___
She could hardly believe that
after crossing that line
she would feel so alive
No matter that the line
was an international militarized border
charged with emotional investors
and misunderstandings
But the sun on her face through the window
had never lied to her before
So she thought it wise to listen
...and know this gentle presence
___
She took a brief
survey of her life today
and came up with two halves
One was filled with reasons
not to invest in a world
that guarantees a heart
blended into 21 pieces
The other was filled
with taps on the shoulder
subtle reminders
of little vocations already lived
and allusions to meals yet to be shared
And the womb of her soul
almost knew
that she would soon give birth...
...to the world
___
He decided they would play house in the
quartered hour they had
before dinner.
'You be the daughter and I will be the father.
Now, you know I have to leave you
and travel far far away
because here, there is no work for me
nor there do I expect to find much.
All I know is that I have to leave you
here, alone.'
And she thought to herself
that he had more insight into
the ways of the world than
any three year old
should.
___
She had a sense of needing
her choices to be organic,
or else,
she thought to herself,
they are just pretentious thoughts being
thrown around as excessive
scraps of nothingness.
___
‘And I think I figured out why
that TV show is so offensive,’ Dr. Dad said,
‘It’s because I take romance too seriously.’
Those words were enough that day to reassure her
of the passionate essence in and of the ordinary.
___
Putting powdered sugar on a tattoo
makes it last longer, she said to her mother, hanging off
the edge of the grocery cart.
Are you sure?, her mother prodded,
and I saw the assurance and doubt
dance simultaneously
in her little green eyes
